Mid-life crises can take many different forms but generally they all have one thing in common: reaching a period in the middle of one’s life and realizing that many of one’s life goals have not been reached, or “the big goal” was not reached or it was reached but wasn’t what you thought it would be; that one has lost sight, through going through a mindless daily grind, of the things that were important to them — a sense that life is rapidly passing one by and one has not made the most of it. Some people at this stage suddenly drop their current career and embark on “what they always really wanted to do” as far as a career. Some leave their spouses and try to hook up with a younger model who makes them feel “young again” and like they’ve now got some sort of second, “do over” chance. Some continue slogging on, feeling that there is nothing they can do about it now and life is just a bitch anyway. There are lots and lots of things that people do if they get hit by a mid-life crisis, some of them good and some of them bad, as they try to get a second lease on life.
I’ve actually been going through a rather different kind of mid-life crisis. Far from feeling that life has passed me by and I’ve missed out on the opportunities to do the things I “always wanted,” or that haven’t managed to achieve important goals, I’ve hit mid-life and realized that…I’ve done it all.
I’ve achieved every single really important personal goal that I’ve had in life. You know how you make those checklists of “things you really really want to do before you die” –my checklist has been checked off and it was not a short list. It had everything on there from little things like “learn to jump out of a plane” to “make a name for yourself” which I did by becoming known as one of the founders of a field of study. I didn’t dream of making the Olympics (being a bit of a realist, lol) but I did dream of training with Bela and Marta Karolyi –and my Ema should know that the loans she took out and the extra job she worked to allow that to happen gave me absolutely the best, happiest, peak experience of my whole life. Nothing else has ever come close. –competing internationally and taking a first on bars in a significant competition and I did that. But that is not to say that other life experiences haven’t hit pretty darn high on the experience-o-meter and even knocked the ringer off the top of it. I wanted to experience living in another country and immersing myself fully in that culture –and I’ve done it with not just one but three. I’ve visited every country (and there were a lot of them) that was on my “I’d like to see it before I go” list and even seen some that I never particularly wanted to see but enjoyed the visit nonetheless. I wanted to become “native”-fluent” in another language and I was in German when I was there regularly, getting good enough to give professional talks and to write a scholarly article but best of all, being taken for a German by other Germans. It’ll never happen with hebrew because becoming ‘native’ in languages, like gymnastics, can only be done when young. I’ll always sound like a foreigner with my hebrew. I was, and I guess still am lol, the first girl in my family to earn a doctoral degree. I jumped a fence on a horse, I didn’t become the next Katherine Hepburn but I did act in plays and commercials until I felt my acting goal had been fulfilled enough and I decided that I really didn’t care about being the next “Kate,” I dreamed of publishing and I’ve published, and many other goals, large and small. Making Aliyah was the last “my life would not have been fully complete if I got unexpectedly hit by a taxi” personal goal on that list and exactly 3 years and 8 days ago, I fulfilled it.
If I got hit by a taxi (knock wood) tomorrow, no one could say that my life was cut short or there were things left undone, that she “always wanted to () and now will never have the opportunity.” I feel like I’ve crammed in 3 or 4 people’s lives into my own. Everything from here is gravy. But I feel a little lost without those life-long things that sat about on the checklist waiting to be fulfilled. Goals now don’t really feel like “goals” but rather just adding to what has already been done, nice, great if achieved but not like, like….yeah.
Wait, you’re a gymnast? And you trained with Bela Karolyi? That’s…that’s huge.
Oh and by the way, becoming fluent in a language is not something that can only be done when young. I know that’s what the research says, but I can personally testify that this is not the case. There are so many factors that go into language acquisition.
Lena, was a gymnast my child, the operative word is was way back when I was many years younger and nearly 40 pounds skinnier. But hey, did you check out the bronze medalist on vault in this past Olympics –she’s 33 (!!!!!!!) and has a 9 year old kid! Thud.
With the language thing, you can certainly become fluent as far as having the vocabulary of a native speaker and knowing the ins and outs of spoken and written language but, generally, if you start learning the language after age 30 you won’t ever acquire the “wait, you weren’t born and raised here?” pronunciation.
I try to imagine you 40 pounds skinnier and I think of my sister when she was anorexic. You’re already so skinny! But I know that gymnastics demands that girls be unnaturally thin…so does ballet, which is why I could never be a professional ballerina, though I always wanted to. I had to find more accepting forms of dance. I wasn’t watching the Olympics, and I didn’t realize that one of the medalists in gymnastics was 33 and had a kid. I think that’s great.
The pronunciation thing is a point of interest with me…I was always good at it. I used to fool people in high school into thinking that I was born somewhere in Latin America. I enjoyed that the same way you probably enjoyed your German fluency. I can’t see myself ever losing the ability to listen to how something is enunciated to me and repeat it back as it should sound. I always wondered why some people have that ability and others don’t. Maybe because I started studying music at age 8 and music demands good ear training (especially singing)? I don’t know. Maybe in 3.5 years when I hit 30 I’ll find out!
Now hold on Cookie! You need another list. The super unachievable things in your life:
1) A full nights sleep, i.e over 7 hours
2) A full larder with time to take pleasure in cooking
3) An apartment of your own
4) At least three evenings a week when you can say, “Wow, I’ve nothing to do but sit and read a novel or go out with friends.
Now THAT is what I call a mega tall order. The rest was small pumpkins!
Noa, I have to agree with you 100%!
I congratulate you on your many achievements and I hope they brought you a feeling of deep contentment. I urge you to simply be yourself in the coming years, and that is quite enough as you certainly have a loving heart, as shown by your rescue of cats. All external achievements dim when compared with your natural innate self. Behold the lily of the field, if I may use a phrase from the bible.
Reader, a lovely comment!
Its lovely to hear that you can look at the list and feel satisfied with the “done that” feeling. It means that some real fulfillment is there.
But I also agree with Reader.
The acts of giving and receiving love (with humans and cats too), and that important goal of “tzdaka” are fine achievement goals for the second part of life.
you certainly have accomplished quite a lot! and gymnastics with bela? wow! but i agree with noa — maybe think about making up another list. personally, when i go over my “to do” list and see what is left to be done, i get very excited with the anticipation of what’s to come… (and i also keep adding to my list — learning italian is my latest addition) . for me that’s part of the whole thing. you know, something to look forward to!
Yael,
I am impressed: good for you on having achieved the goals you set for yourself - kol hakavod!
It was nice to see you on the panel at the Nefesh b’Nefesh JBlogger Conference (I was in the virtual chat room)!
Did you ever get my ‘chat’ with you in Ivrit, on your ‘chatting in Hebrew’ site? (Also, I am not seeing my blog in your blogroll. Did you lose it?)
I actually write up a list every year…at Rosh Hashana. (I actually do a whole annual plan). Yeah, some of the things I plan never get done, but that way, I am relatively more focused.
I agree with the others–you ain’t dead yet–sit down and think about what else you would like to do.
I agree with Noa, what you need is a nice kitchen and a cozy place to relax and put your feet up.
Hey thanks guys for all the good ideas. Reader that was a really sweet comment! Lady-light I probably lost it somewhere along the way, will try to get it in again. Sorry
everyone else thank you.
Getting a lot of rest at the moment. Down with one of those summer bugs or something. hope to be back to blogging again soon.
Hello Yael,
I hope you are well, Yael.
I have no time to read all of this post on this important topic at this particular time. But the topic is so important that I have nevertheless to send you a few words.
For me, as a man but for any woman, if a woman would tell me that she has accomplished all the goals that she ever wanted in her life and that this woman happens not to have had any child, I would say to this woman that she either has had a completely wrong set of goals in her life or that she simply missed in her life the most important goal OF ALL: to have a child!!!
A woman who has not the goal of having at least one child as her MAIN goal in her life, such a woman has simply accomplished nothing of meaning so far and she probably has the wrong goals in her life.
Moreover, today with all the techniques to help women to have children, even for women without partners (IVF, etc.) and even for women who are past menopause, there are no excuses for a woman not to have a child.
A woman is unique on earth. First of all, we all come from a woman. But a woman does not stop there, she also has the gift of being able to create a new life. Not a single man can claim such a miracle! That is the reason why a woman is nothing less than a blessing on earth.
Therefore, if a woman would decide to abandon such a divine gift of creating a new life, such a woman would have lived so far a completely meaningless life. No matter if this woman went to the moon, was a new Einstein or anything else!!!
For me, as a man, a woman could be billionaire, the most beautiful and the most educated, she would represent NOTHING to my eyes if she would tell me that she does not want to create a child with me.
I would favor instead the poorest woman on earth, the ugliest woman on earth (in such a woman existed! All women are beautiful) and the least educated woman on earth if such a woman would tell me that she is ready to give me a child!!!
And it is not just a few words. I truly and honestly mean it.
It is my hope that you do not give up this idea of having at least one child in your life. When it happens, you will discover that all your previous goals were, in comparison, completely meaningless to this blessing of having a child in your life.
Even if a woman is not sure if she wants a child in the future, she can always save her eggs for the future and, later on (even long after her menopause), she can still have the possibility to have a child that is truly from her (from her own egg!).
I read several stories of women who have had children and they were in their sixties!! Hard to believe but true!
Women, you have no more excuses not to have at least one child.
Take care of you, Yael. And never EVER give up on having at least ONE child. All your goals so far are completely meaningless in comparison to the most important goal for a woman (and for a man) on earth: to be blessed with a child.
Emet!
Person Emet, you must not have any kids. I’ll gladly send some to you. ARGH!!!
WTF? I can’t even type what I want to say, it is all the F word. I don’t know what the Hebrew equivalent is, but whatever it is, I’m THINKING IT, PAL.
Person Yael, don’t listen to this rot although I know person Emet is sincere.